வெறித்துப் பார்க்கிற ஜன்னல் வழி
கசிந்தே கரைகிறது பொழுது. .
தனியாய் சாலை கடக்கயிலே
தெரிந்த குரல் விளிப்பதாய் நினைவு. . .
பள்ளிக்கால தோழி ஒருத்தி தொலைபேசியில் அழைப்பதாய் மறந்து போன பழங்கதைகள் சில பேசுவதாய்
அடிக்கடி வருகிறது குழம்பிய கனவு. .
முகம் பார்க்காத உரையாடல்களின் வழி
உயிர் பிழைக்கின்றன உறவுகள். .
தீராத தேடலில் தொலைவது யாதாயினும்
தொடர்ந்தே நகர்கிறது வாழ்க்கை
விரும்பினும் விரும்பாவிடினும். . .
நீ இல்லாமலும் கூட
எப்போதும் போல தான்
விடிந்து முடிகின்றன நாட்கள் . . .
எப்பொழுதும் போலவே விழிக்கிறேன்
ரசிக்கிறேன் . . .
சிலவற்றை கடக்கிறேன். .
எல்லாம் உணர்வு குப்பை என்றே நினைக்கிறேன். .
சில மலர்கள் பார்க்கையில்
அலைபேசி அழைக்கையில் என
எப்போதாவது நினைவுகளை புரட்டி பார்க்கிறது மனது
மற்றபடி நினைவுகள் வெறும் நினைவுகளே என்ற போதும். .
நீண்ட உறக்கத்திற்கு பின் விழித்து கொள்கையில்
மனதில் வந்து ஒட்டிக் கொள்கிற வெறுமையில்
இன்னமும் நீ இருக்கத்தான் செய்கிறாய். . . . . .
It's jus t a piece of story.Every one of you would have come across what am going to share with you now.I know its nothing new.But I consider these pages from my diary as the most beautiful ! yeah. . I am sriram.Like most of the present day youngsters I had so many dreamss and ended up with aimless BE degree.you call it globalisation.I call it god's grace.I got a job in a leading IT company once I completed my degree.Now am earning enough.More than enough.This is how my carreer has panned out.personally I am like any other modest madras guy.cheerful among friends,polite in the family,soft spoken,cricket loving,music savvy,not too many friends among girls.Have few.May be,I am of your kind or a kind of person you come across in your every day life.
Friends and Family call me Ram.So does she.But it becomes special when she calls.Because she is special.She is Vaishnavi.I call her vaishi.We know each other for quite sometime.It ll be appropriate if I replace that 'some time' with 'long time'.We know each other for quite long time.she knows me very well.At least more than any other girl does. We are a kinda friends from childhood.I didn't know when I started loving her.2yrs before when I was in my BE final year,I had an urge to tel her my love.Infact,I tried many times implicitly.I tried in all possible ways to know what she has in her mind.But you know with girls,its not easy.Then you know this cliche stuff.If I propose her and she rejects,I may lose her friendship.So I decided to just play along the stream.Decided to take up things as they happen.In some corner of my heart,I deeply believe that she ll be with me forever.I felt her my own all the time.Its an odd thought.But that is how I really felt.
We don't talk on each other day.But if its a week without a call or 'hi' in sms,I start to miss her.I guess same is the case with her also.But I am afraid,whether she feels the same way I do.At times,She looks completely carefree.And I used to think she ll never be ready for any kind of commitment with me.whenever she is with me she ll be cheerful,funny at times,laughs loudly.And at times I wonder,if we could be like any other couple in the world.Thought of romancing her sometimes seem so funny.If you want me to tel something we discussed seriously,it would be something like ipl.I support chennai and she supports bangalore.you know the reason why-"virat kohli" .@#*#@.
I have honestly tried flirting her.It was a flop.she takes everything so easy and careless.Am afraid,someday if I go and say 'I love you' to her,she may laugh at me ridiculously! Because of all these am not trying anything nowadays.
once on a saturday night,she called me.we decided to meet for the dinner.Asusual we met in our usual restaurant.shared the week's happenings,office events.So and so.she wore a blue jean and a white cotton long top.No make up.Her hair tied as pony tail.But she looked beautiful."oh my darling. . . hmmmmm. . . " After having asked me what to order paneer tikka or gopi manchurian,she asked,
"Do you love me?"
I was stumbled.she read my mind or what.Did I stare her more than usual today that she caught me! silly thoughts played all over my head.
"you heard me or what" she stressed back.
"what. . . what did you say. . " I asked back thoughtlessly. I needed time.
She smiled.with smile still on her face, "Do you love me?" she stressed each word.
I was not sure of what to reply.I had an urge to say "yesss!!"
But she is not telling that she loves me.She is just inquiring me.should I tel what i feel.
"why are you asking me this question. . .Do. . Do you love me ?"
"come on ram. . I asked the question first.I think I deserve the answer"
ya.she is right.she asked it first.Brave heart.
I was still taking my time to answer.
she continued,"Just be honest,ram.Don't think of the best answer"
She was super cool.Had no anxiety about what would be my answer.she was still smiling.I decided to play it safe.My heart said,its stupid to say no.who knows.But I must be really a stupid.
"No. . ." I said softly. Then continued."why did you ask?" complete stupidity.
I could'n see her smiling so much now. "just to know" she said.
she paid the bill this tiime.She looked calm.
I should not have said no."oh my sweet heart! i love you. . love you so much. . "
I badly wanted to correct my answer.what should I tel her now.I was fumbling for words.
should I tel,"sorry" or 'i love you" straight away .
she opened the restaurant door and moved out.I followed her.
I should tell her something.I was in a hurry.wanted to open a conversation again.called her out. . .
"vashi. . . "
she turned back.
I wanted to tell her million words.
I ended up saying, "did i disappoint you". That was not all.I wanted to say more.I just opened up the conversation.
But she was so quick.said. . "disappointment?? not really. . told u right. . just asked you to know what. . cool. . "
She closed the conversation.walked towards the parking lot.We are supposed to go to the railway station.I have to send her off in the unit train.I have hardly 20 minutes to correct all my mistakes.I should tel her that I was wrong.yes. . I should tel her like this. . ."vashi. .guess i was wrong. . i think . . think wat. . " what should I tell following that.We were waiting in the platform for the train.she had all her concentration on the track.
I was thinking hard and practising the sentences I made up in my mind.This time no mess up.When I opened my mouth,I actually heard her speaking.
"guess I was wrong ram. . . I thought you love me,just like I do" .The train was approaching.
"From the time unknown,I have been feeling this way. . I thought we would be together forever" I saw tears in her eyes.
she boarded the train.said " I thought asking you out would just be a formality.I never thought this day would end up like this"
she disappeared into the crowd inside the train.
I literally had my eyes widely opened.Thoughtless.speechless. I just watched the train moving away from me silently.I could'n say how it felt..Happiness or sense of having lost the most precious moment. . .No I have not lost anything completely yet.she is living in chennai.The same city where i live.I could go to her flat now.Even before she reaches it,I could reach there and tel her my heart.Now its not just the matter of telling my heart.I have hurted her badly.As she said,she deserved the answer,an honest answer.I denied it to her.I should convince her.should convince her with something worthy.
But it was too much for a day.I could'n take up anymore.I just went back to my room.It was a sleepless night.I felt really so happy from the bottom of my heart.vashi. . . she loves me.how nice it is.I am gonna be with her forever.
Next morning,I went straight to her flat.She had taken off from office.Her flat mate welcomed me with a smile.She should havve known yesterday's happenings.I would seem like an worthless idiot to her.But now vashi is more important than her flat mate.I went straight into her room.She was there still in night suit.Looked beautiiful though.Last night I have practised well.How to start and what to tell.But when I saw her everything vanished.I was looking out through the window.I really did not know what I was saying.without facing her,I said
"what was that vashi. . Don't you know I love you.yes. . yesterday I messed up a lot of things.but u know me vashi.you know well that whats between us is love.whats the need of questioning sessions.We are gonna be together forever . . don't you feel that. . . " when I stopped I realised what have I said.I was not soft.yesterday's mess up made me bold or rigid more than needed. But this is what she wanted.yeah. . she wanted me to be honest.I turned back .She was sitting in the corner of the two seater couch.I could see her in tears.I went and sat near her.caressed her forehead .She leaned on my shoulder.I sofltly said into her ears,"Am sorry. . ".she looked up my eyes from being on my shoulders.Am afraid her nose may touch mine anytime.I kissed her.kissed her on cheeks.It was a deep passionate kiss,lasted for three long seconds. I used to smoke.I used to drink occasionally.My first puff,first sip, nothing felt like this.It was a marvellous feeling.Even now whenever I miss her,those three seconds come to my mind.
she continued,"Ram,you know, you have made a life time commitment right at this moment.You know our families.Its not gonna be easy.Will u stand upto the demands . . will you carry this out" I wondered .Is there an option other than yes, to answer this question.Whole heartedly I said
"yesssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. . . . . . "
ம்ம்ம்ம். . ஒரு வழியா பொறுமையோட இந்த கதையை இது வரைக்கும் படிச்சு இருந்தீங்கன்னா ரொம்ப நன்றி. சத்தியமா இத உன்னதமான காதல் கதை நு எல்லாம் சொல்ல வரல.தினப் படி வாழ்க்கைல, கிளாஸ் ல பக்கத்துல உக்கருற பிரெண்ட், கூட தங்குற ரூம் மேட் இப்டி எங்கேயாவது யாரோட வாழ்கைலயாவது கண்டிப்பா இது மாதிரி ஒரு கதையையோ அல்லது இத விட தத்து பித்துவமான கதையவோ பாத்திருப்போம்.சிலருக்கு சொந்த அனுபவமா கூட இருக்கலாம்.(சத்தியமாக எனக்கு இல்லை :) )இப்ப இந்த கதைல வர்ற ஸ்ரீ ராம் என்ன பண்ணிக்கிட்டு இருப்பார்.வைஷி யை கல்யாணம் பண்ணி அழகா ரெண்டு குழந்தைகள் பெத்து, ஆபீஸ் முடிஞ்சதும் கார்டு அக்செப்ட் பண்ற nilgris இல்ல னா ஸ்பென்சர் மாதிரி departmental store எ தேடி உதயம் உளுத்தம் பருப்பு வாங்கிட்டு போகிற லட்சிய வாழ்க்கைய தான் வாழ்ந்துக்கிட்டு இருப்பார். இதுல பெரிய சாதனையும் இல்ல சாகசமும் இல்ல.ஆனாலும் நாம் விரும்புகிறவர்களுக்காகவும், நம்மை விரும்புகிறவர்களுக்காகவும் வாழுகிற வாழ்க்கைல தான் நிறைய சந்தோஷமும் கொஞ்சம் அர்த்தமும் இருக்கு.
பொறுமையாக வாசித்ததற்கு நன்றி!!